By Gregg Easterbrook Special to NFL.com

(Oct. 19, 2004) -- Congratulations to the New England Patriots, noble winners of -- no wait, scratch that. I don't know about you, but I am sick of the New England Patriots.

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Twenty straight victories, two Super Bowl rings in three years, their male model-esque quarterback gracing more magazine covers than Richard Gere: Give us a break. New England works hard and is unselfish, its players rarely boast, and its magnificent new stadium was built with the owner's money rather than taxpayer funds; there's a lot to be said for the Patriots.

But I am sick of them. At least half the games in the New England streak have turned on good luck for the Patriots on the critical downs at the end; change New England's luck even slightly, and this club becomes another middle-of-the-pack outfit. New England's good fortune at avoiding injuries has been nothing short of spectacular -- lots of NFL teams would look better if hardly anyone ever got hurt. Just ask Carolina and Tennessee, or note how much better Houston is this season with numerous injured players who missed the 2003 campaign now back on the field. Plus it's fundamentally tedious when the same team always wins. Somebody else deserves a winning streak. At this point, I'm rooting for the Patriots to lose their next 20 consecutive games.

In other NFL news, the Washington Redskins are reeling partly because they have allowed five touchdowns on returns, and the City of Tampa Buccaneers are reeling partly because they allowed a 93-yard return for a touchdown with the game tied in the second half on Monday night. Nothing hurts more than to work, work, work for each precious yard of field position, then suddenly see some skinny gentleman racing the length of the gridiron in the opposite direction.

And in still other NFL news, Jersey/B at New England this Sunday is the last possible pairing of undefeated teams this season -- unless the game ends in a tie, and the Jets and Patriots remain undefeated until their second meeting on Dec. 26. (In theory an undefeated New England or Jersey/B could meet an undefeated Philadelphia in the Super Bowl, but since no team has ever gone 18-0, it's unlikely two will do so in the same season.) New Jersey Jets, TMQ will be rooting for you. Start the Patriots' 20-game losing streak!

Stats of the Week

Since winning the Super Bowl, the Buccaneers are 8-14.

Stats of the Week No. 2

Daunte Culpepper has 18 touchdown passes, more than the total touchdowns of all teams except Indianapolis and San Diego.

Stats of the Week No. 3

Since entering Week 5 with the league's No. 1 rated defense, Seattle has given up 63 points.

Stats of the Week No. 4

Reuben Droughns is on pace to rush for an all-time single-season record 2,583 yards.

Stats of the Week No. 5

Detroit totaled 125 yards of offense at home, while Oakland totaled 145 yards of offense at home..

Stats of the Week No. 6

Miami quarterbacks have thrown four interceptions returned for touchdowns.

Stats of the Week No. 7

Buffalo held the ball for all but four plays in the fourth quarter.

Stats of the Week No. 8

The top five defensive teams -- Denver, Washington, Miami, Tampa and Pittsburgh -- have a combined record of 13-17.

Stats of the Week No. 9

The top five offensive teams -- Minnesota, Indianapolis, Green Bay, St. Louis and Denver -- have a combined record of 19-9.

Stats of the Week No. 10

New England and Philadelphia, both undefeated, have not attempted a fourth-down conversion this season. Stat submitted by reader Mike Paulson of Alexandria, Va.

Stats of the Week No. 11

Minnesota is averaging one-fifth more offense than the next-best team in the NFL -- 477 yards per game versus 389 for Indianapolis.

Stats of the Week No. 12

Stretching back to last season, Atlanta is 2-10 when Michael-Mike Vick does not play and 8-2 when he does.

Literary Cheerleader of the Week

'Skins cheerleader Michelle likes this Brave New World.

Cortez Hankton Play of the Week

"ERRR-nest WILLL-ford, ERRR-nest WILLL-ford," chanted TMQ and my nine-year-old, Spenser, a Jax fan, as the Jaguars marched down the field against Kansas City for yet another buzzer-beater win. Who-dat gentleman Wilford, with game-winning touchdown catches in two previous Jacksonville games, had a clutch 14-yard reception on the final drive. But there's lots of who-dats in Jacksonville, and this time Cortez Hankton, a second-year man with one reception on the season coming into the game, caught a 14-yard touchdown pass with 49 seconds remaining, giving Jax its victory.

Best Play by a 14-Year Veteran

Pittsburgh trailing Dallas 20-10 early in the fourth quarter, the Steelers faced third-and-4 on the Cowboys' 7. Shotgun, motion; Ben Roethlisberger watched for tight end Jerame Tuman, pulled the ball back when Tuman broke one way toward coverage and then rifled it in for the touchdown when Tuman broke the other way. Roethlisberger completed his last 11 consecutive pass attempts in Pittsburgh's comeback win. What's that -- you say it was only his fourth game? Ask me who Ben Roethlisberger reminds me of, and I'll tell you Peyton Manning.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk

Trailing the defending champion Patriots 17-0, Seattle took the field goal on fourth-and-6 from the Flying Elvii 15. Trailing 20-3, Seattle took the field goal on fourth-and-4 from the Flying Elvii 22. Trailing 20-6, Seattle took the field goal on fourth-and-5 from the Flying Elvii 10. Yes, Tuesday Morning Quarterback preaches the immutable law Kick Early, Go For It Late. And that law worked for Jersey/B, which took the field goal when down 14-0 to San Francisco and later rallied to win. But the exception to the immutable law Kick Early, Go For It Late comes when you're way behind. Especially on the first two kicks, Seattle was way behind, yet played it conservative. You can't dance with the champ -- you've got to knock him down.

Kick Early, Go For It Late

Trailing 21-17 with six minutes remaining, San Diego faced fourth-and-3 on the Atlanta 10. Now it's late, go for it! San Diego took the field goal and never got the ball back again.

Sweet Play of the Week No. 1

The Browns leading 24-17 early in the fourth quarter, Cleveland faced third-and-3 on its 41. Running back Lee Suggs went into the right flat for what seemed like a dinky flare pass -- then cut upfield along the sidelines. Jeff Garcia hit Suggs in stride, and he outran the linebacker chasing him to the end zone. TMQ has always liked the tailback "up." Usually it's against linebacker coverage, and usually the linebacker is stunned when the pattern is not for a dinky short gain. Why don't teams send their tailbacks up the field more often?

Sweet Play of the Week No. 2

Trent Green "crouch faked" the handoff to Priest Holmes, then threw a 52-yard strike to Johnnie Morton to set up Kansas City's first score. Few teams coach quarterbacks to "crouch" fake -- hunch over the ball on a play-action pass. Yet the crouch fake is consistently effective, making it nearly impossible for the defensive front seven to see if the quarterback has kept the rock. Why doesn't every team use the crouch fake?

Sweet Play of the Week No. 3

Leading 23-20 with 2:45 remaining, New England faced the decisive down of the contest -- third-and-7 on its 40. Seattle seemed to assume it would be some dinky short-pass attempt. Tom Brady rolled left and had plenty of time; Bethel Johnson went deep against defenders expecting him to pull up short, and made a diving, running-full-speed catch at the Seattle 12-yard line; TMQ wrote the words "game over" in his notebook. Set aside that this is the kind of once-engaging, now-infuriating play that has characterized New England's winning streak -- an incredibly difficult clutch catch on a pass that most good receivers would have dropped. Just consider how sweet the New England strategy was, going for the game-icing big gain when everyone expected something rinky-dinky.

Next, Bloomberg Offers Trading in Parking-Ticket Futures

New York City's first budget under Mayor Michael Bloomberg specified that parking enforcement officers write 1.7 million more tickets than the previous year -- finally, officially putting ticket writers on quota. According to the San Francisco Chronicle , that city's meter maids and muffins have also gone on commission. In 2003, during the California budget meltdown, the San Francisco Department of Parking and Traffic ordered meter personnel to write an extra 40,000 tickets in the next 45 days. California law prohibits ticket quotas, so the 40,000 mandated citations were officially a "goal," not a quota.

New York and San Francisco residents might try the website ParkingTicket.com. It charges one-half the face value of the fine to get the citation dismissed: "Our expert team of consultants has more than 80 years of parking-ticket contesting experience." Eighty years of parking-ticket experience -- cities were giving out parking tickets in 1924?

Sour Play of the Week No. 1

Trailing 15-14 in the fourth quarter at Jersey/B, the Squared Sevens faced second-and-7 on the Jets' 27. The call was an end-around to Arnaz Battle; fumbled exchange, loss of 8. Suddenly San Francisco is out of field-goal range on the Jets' 35. A third-down pass clangs incomplete, and San Francisco launches a Preposterous Punt -- which booms into the end zone, Jets ball on their 20, net field-position gain for San Francisco of 15 yards. San Francisco punted from the opponents' 35 when trailing in the fourth quarter. The football gods winced.

Sour Play of the Week No. 2

Near the goal line, New England likes to throw the snap hitch -- quarterback takes the snap, straightens up and throws instantly -- to any wide receiver who is single-covered. David Givens scored from the Indianapolis 7 on the snap hitch in the AFC Championship Game last year, for example. Leading 10-0, the Flying Elvii had second-and-3 on the Blue Men Group 6. David Patten lined up wide left, exactly where Givens had been, and was single-covered, the safety shading toward the center. Male model-esque Tom Brady audibled to a snap hitch; Patten stiff-armed the cornerback and scored; suddenly the visitors are in a 17-0 hole to the defending champions. The Seahawks seemed surprised by the call. Where was Seattle's film study?

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again!

Buffalo, Minnesota, New England, New Orleans, Philadelphia and Washington all got monster defensive plays on blitzes, while Pittsburgh defeated Dallas on a late fumble caused by a blitz. So, yes, blitzing sometimes works. TMQ's contention is that on average it backfires -- at least, on average blitzing backfires in the expected-blitz situations, mainly third-and-long. Brandon Lloyd's 33-yard touchdown reception came when Jersey/B six-blitzed on third-and-long; Jabar Gaffney caught a 20-yard touchdown pass against a six-blitz; Shaun Alexander ran 9 yards for a touchdown when New England six-blitzed on second-and-long; and it was against a New Orleans six-blitz that Minnesota converted the third-down pass that enabled it to run out the clock.

Best 99-Yard Play

Game scoreless, the Cleveland Browns (Release 2.1) had first down on their own 1. Garcia rolled right, behind a pulling guard; Cincinnati safeties were nowhere to be seen after Andre Davis made his catch and took off. It's surprising how often teams gamble by throwing on first down from their own 1 -- and surprising how often defenses are surprised.

Cheer-Babe Professionalism

Cheerleaders for Atlanta, Dallas, Jacksonville, New Orleans, Philadelphia, St. Louis and Tennessee all flounced in next-to-nothing, and their teams went 4-3 -- a reasonable display of the power of cheer-babe professionalism. But as usual, at the cutting edge were the who-needs-clothes Philadelphia Nesharim cheer squad. Kickoff temperature 56 degrees at Lincoln Financial Field, the Eagles cheerleaders opened the game in their hot-weather outfits, which are little more than bikinis with some athletic support added to make cartwheels possible. Needless to say, the football gods crowned Philadelphia with victory.

Eukaryote Crumpler Was Too Hard to Say

Alge Crumpler of Atlanta had a nifty touchdown catch. What a relief his parents didn't name him Pond Scum Crumpler!

Least Underrated Watch

Last month, TMQ complained that Hines Ward is constantly described as "underrated" despite this gentleman having attended three Pro Bowls. On Sunday, Phil Simms called Ward "one of the most underappreciated receivers."

Fashion Nightmare Pairing

In the Houston-Tennessee game, both teams wore shimmering near-black pants. The Official Wife of TMQ would have dubbed this the Midnight Buns matchup.

Gabrielle Reece Nude With a Spotted Owl Would Have Made a Good Picture

An editor of the august The New Republic (that's the august magazine, not an August issue) once mused that it should run an "in praise of sin" issue -- contending people ought to imbibe, party and have lots of sex in their one brief chance at life. The New Republic stuck with the serious, responsible public-policy analysis that is its reason for being. But now this idea has been done by the oft unpredictable Outside magazine, Bible of outdoorsy types. Outside's October number headlines, " Sex and Sin Issue!"

Gabrielle Reece adds some spice to Outside.

Why Certain Teams Are 1-5

It was bad that Michael Pittman of City of Tampa fumbled at the St. Louis 7 with the game tied in the third, but what really killed the Bucs was that Rams S Adam Archuleta ran the fumble back 93 yards for a touchdown. Why did he run the fumble back 93 yards for a touchdown? Because Tampa players just stood around watching him. Check the replay: Mike Alstott is on the ground between Archuleta and the end zone, and doesn't even try to get up to make a tackle, just watches. Numerous other Bucs were in the general area when Archuleta started running, and only tackle Derrick Deese made an effort to chase the gentleman. Remember, the whistle had not sounded. High school coaches yell at their charges, "Play to the whistle." Tampa players just gave up, though the whistle had not sounded.

Curious Tactics, Dr. Watson

Leading 31-10 in the fourth quarter, Green Bay coach Mike Sherman radioed in the halfback pass by Ahman Green. It worked for a touchdown, but why use this play with a big lead? Six days before on Monday Night Football, Green Bay had been stung when Tennessee called a receiver pass for a touchdown in the fourth quarter, with the Flaming Thumbtacks leading by 21 at the time. TMQ was puzzled by that call, too; now the Packers have replicated it. What's the point of showing your trick play when a game is already locked up?

Curious Tactics, Dr. Watson No. 2

Why didn't Mike Tice challenge the touchdown awarded to the Saints with 2:45 remaining? There's no way Aaron Brooks got in; his knee went down long before he lunged the ball over the line. Tice and Mike Mularkey, two head coaches who are both former Minnesota tight ends named Mike, continue to seem reluctant to challenge calls. What strange harmonic convergence is at work?

Curious Management, Dr. Watson

Tuesday Morning Quarterback always wonders why teams trade for disgruntled players, who rarely become re-gruntled at their new homes. New Orleans just gave up a No. 2 pick and a decent backup quarterback for disgruntled Green Bay corner Mike McKenzie, who looked awful in his Saints' debut as the Vikings netted 417 yards passing. Obvious next question: Why, given this, would anyone in his right mind trade for Ricky Williams?

Best Blocks

TMQ counted one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four, one thousand five, one thousand six on Byron Leftwich's touchdown pass to Fred Taylor, and counted one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four, one thousand five on Jay Fiedler's touchdown pass to Derrius Thompson. I counted one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four, one thousand five, one thousand six on Jake Plummer's touchdown pass to Ashley Lelie. I counted one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four, one thousand five frequently as Marc Bulger scanned the field.

Montrae Holland had a perfect block at the point of attack on Deuce McAllister's touchdown run against Minnesota. Jerame Tuman and Dan Kreider combined to take out three Dallas defenders as Jerome Bettis went in untouched for the deciding six. It's pretty fun to run for the game-winning touchdown in the stadium with the big blue star when everyone in front of you has already been knocked to the ground. Defenders also blocked well this weekend. Corey Simon of Philadelphia hustled downfield and made a great block to enable Lito Sheppard to score on an interception return. Cletidus Hunt of Green Bay hustled downfield and made a great block to enable Darren Sharper to score on an interception return.

No defender came remotely near Daunte Culpepper as he waited, waited, waited for Nate Burleson to get open for a 36-yard reception. Minnesota's skill players get all the press, but the Vikings have the league's best offensive line this season, and TMQ sees this as essential to their success. No matter who lines up at tailback, the Vikings run well -- which means excellent offensive line play.

Worst Blocks

On a screen pass, offensive linemen are supposed to allow defenders to come toward the quarterback, but only after brushing them to slow them down. Game scoreless at Next One Will Have Five Blades Field, on their first series, the Seahawks faced third-and-7. The call was screen left. Hawks offensive linemen trotted left -- but no one ever brushed Richard Seymour, who deflected the pass for an interception. New England scored a touchdown on the possession and immediately the visitors were in a hole against the defending champions.

Equal-Time Beefcake

Chike Okeafor goes shirtless.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All

Trailing 17-10 at the end of the third quarter, Miami had second-and-goal on the Buffalo 2. Slam the ball up the middle three straight plays? Pass attempt, sack; pass attempt, sack; field goal; Dolphins never threatened again.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All No. 2

As noted by reader Omar Syed of Minneapolis, on the play that caused the deciding Dallas fumble, the 'Boys led 20-17 and faced third-and-13 from the Pittsburgh Hypocycloids' 47. The Hypocycloids had consumed their timeouts. Run the ball up the middle, the clock ticks down to the two-minute warning and then, assuming a punt into the end zone, the stout Dallas defense only must prevent Pittsburgh from gaining 50 yards in the final two minutes with no timeouts and the Dallas home crowd roaring at military-afterburner decibels. Instead, it's a pass attempt that leads to a lost football -- and had the result been incomplete pass, it would have stopped the clock and saved Pittsburgh 30 seconds. (When New England was in a similar situation against Seattle as described above, the Hawks still had two timeouts, dictating more aggressive strategy).

Worst Series Ere the Clock Struck Midnight

Trailing 28-21 with seven minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, Tampa had first-and-10 on the St. Louis 21 at 11:58 p.m. ET. Did the Bucs try to push Les Mouflons back with runs? Sack; incompletion; interception. Yipes stripes.

Best Series As the Clock Struck Midnight

Taking over after the above-cited interception, the Rams ran on eight consecutive downs, keeping the clock ticking. The possession ended in a missed field goal at 12:26 a.m. ET, but at that point, there was only 1:09 left and the Bucs had consumed their timeouts.

Pennsylvania Resplendent!

Current state standings: Pennsylvania 10-1, New Jersey 9-1, Missouri 5-6, California 6-12, Florida 5-13. Note the old-economy Northeastern states continue to beat up on the Sunbelt.

Sleep Researchers Recommend Watching Tapes of Tampa Bay Games of the 1970s

Harvard Medical School now has not one, not two, but three endowed chairs in "sleep medicine." You can check out Sleep, the technical journal of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Don't miss the article "Phenotyping Sleep Propensity in Mice."

Insufficient sleep is a problem for millions of Americans, and decline in regular hours of sleep is a worrisome long-term trend. Our great-grandparents' generation slept an average of 10 hours per night, our parents' generation averaged eight hours, Americans today average seven hours and the number keeps falling. One reason stress is increasing is that the body stops making the stress hormone cortisol during sleep -- relief from stress hormones may be a fundamental reason why mammals sleep. Progressively fewer hours of sleep translate to progressively more hours exposed to stress hormones. Here's what Harvard Medical School has to say:

"Due to the high-paced demands of modern society, relatively few Americans obtain the 8-9 hours of sleep they need each night. This can result in chronic sleep debt, which not only interferes with glucose metabolism by increasing insulin resistance akin to what occurs in diabetes, but also degrades neurobehavioral performance and increases the risk of error and accident. Sleepiness is cited as a principal cause of more than 56,000 motor vehicle crashes annually in the United States. More than 70,000 people are injured and more than 1,500 die in those crashes. Young people in their teens and 20s, who are particularly susceptible to the effects of chronic sleep loss, are involved in more than half of the fall-asleep crashes on the nation's highways each year."

Michael-Mike Vick Plays of the Week

Vick looked flashy on his touchdown run, and threw a beauty arcing pass to Dez White for a long touchdown. Tuesday Morning Quarterback was most impressed that twice Vick took off toward the line as if to run, drew the defense up and then stopped on a dime to complete a pass for the first down.

Today's Forecast: Bright Lights with Chance of Air Conditioning

According to the official Game Book, the weather indoors at Atlanta on Sunday was "very good." According to the official Game Book, the weather indoors at New Orleans on Sunday was "mostly cloudy" with north winds at 13 miles per hour.

Worst Crowd Response

Patrons enjoying the "very good" Georgia Dome weather repeatedly booed the Falcons, who entered the game 4-1.

Flags At Practice

The Jersey/B Jets, least-penalized team in the NFL, are also the sole NFL team that always has officials working its practices and throwing flags. Coach Herman Edwards hit upon the idea of hiring off-duty officials when he took over the Jets' job, and the result has been that Jersey/B in the Edwards period has consistently been at or near the bottom in yards penalized. So why doesn't this idea catch on throughout the league? And if it did, would this make NFL officiating a full-time career? Currently, NFL officials are moonlighting from regular jobs, since working one game a week in the fall only isn't enough to make a living. But if officials were paid from July through January to work practices and games, plus the occasional minicamp, NFL officiating might become a career -- NBA and MLB officials are full-time -- and equally important, penalties during games might decline.

New Jersey Night Clubs May Still Have "Toxic Waste Nights," Where Anyone Recently Exposed Gets in Free

Frank Vespa-Papaleo, director of the New Jersey Division on Civil Rights, recently ruled that ladies' nights at clubs are illegal because letting women in free, while assessing a cover charge for men, discriminates against males. The libertarian in me is outraged that the state of New Jersey seizes money from its citizens via taxation in order to pay Frank Vespa-Papaleo and his staff to stick their noses into issues so astonishingly minor. That aside, if ladies' nights are ended, men will be the principal victims. Enticing women to night spots via free admission or cheap drinks helps men because it populates clubs with double-X individuals, and the men can fantasize that it is their incredible animal magnetism, not the drinks or the music, that has drawn in the women.

Best Play by a Quarterback Who Actually Wants to Be in San Diego

While Eli Manning had the weekend off to look for a parking space in New York City, and high-priced holdout Philip Rivers was nailed to the Chargers' pine, Drew Brees threw a perfect 17-yard touchdown strike to Erik Parker with 18 seconds remaining in the first half. It was a "sluggo" route, a quick slant-and-go; Atlanta corner Aaron Beasley fell for the pump fake by Brees. Pray tell -- how can you fall for the pump fake when there are only 18 seconds left in the half? The Bolts might have gone on to lose, but Brees played well throughout.

Weird Penalty Watch

Philadelphia's return of the opening kickoff against Carolina was nullified by a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct assessed on the Eagles bench. Philadelphia Director of Security Butch Buchanico got excited and started running up the sideline alongside the return man; he slammed into an official, drawing the yellow. What TMQ wondered was, why does Andy Reid need a Director of Security when he's already surrounded by 53 enormous ill-tempered gentlemen in plastic armor?

By the Hammer of Grabthar, He Was Avenged!

Sammy Morris looked good in 2000 as a rookie for Buffalo, but the Bills then nailed him to the bench, bringing in a succession of tailbacks -- Travis Henry, Willis McGahee, Shawn Bryson, Olandis Gary, Joe Burns -- who played instead. Now a Dolphin, Sammy Morris on Sunday got his first start at tailback since October 2001, and ran for 91 yards against Buffalo.

Denver Helmet Instructions: "INSERT RUNNING BACK, GAIN THOUSAND YARDS"

Fifth-year substitute tailback Reuben Droughns, who in his first four seasons had a total of 97 yards rushing, has 369 yards in the last two games as the Broncos starter.

This Year's Interference Problem

This year, officials are to call defensive pass interference tighter, and TMQ thinks that's good since the defensive interference no-calls in the Indianapolis at New England playoff game last winter still rankle. But some officials seem to be interpreting the new directive as instructions to favor receivers over defenders. In Week 5, officials failed to flag Jeremy Shockey of Jersey/A for offensive interference when he obviously pushed off on a short touchdown reception against Dallas. This Sunday night, Randy Moss obviously pushed off on a short pattern at the goal line, and instead of being flagged for offensive interference, drew a defensive interference call that placed the ball on the New Orleans 1, setting up the Vikings' first touchdown. Later, on Moss' 43-yard touchdown reception, he obviously pushed a defender out of the way in order to stay on his route. Strict enforcement of defensive interference is a good idea: This should not mean that officials look away when offensive players break the rules.

TMQ Thought for the Day

Why are places where terrorists or spies assemble called "safe houses?" So far as Tuesday Morning Quarterback can tell, there is no physical difference between a "safe house" and a "house," so these places should simply be called houses. Plus they hardly sound safe. Considering the tonnage of U.S. and Israeli precision-guided munitions that have fallen on such abodes in recent years, it sounds like a safe house is a very dangerous place.

Crazy Pass Watch

Kerry Collins heave-hoed into triple coverage for an interception. Joey Harrington heave-hoed into triple coverage for an interception returned for a touchdown. Steve McNair heave-hoed into double coverage for an interception, and did so on a play when his line was giving him plenty of time; also, he heaved up a wild pass for an interception while under tackle. Even Tom Brady threw a pass directly to a Blue Man, though Brady's line was giving him plenty of time. TMQ continues to think that this season, NFL quarterbacks are throwing more crazy passes than usual, under pressure to "make a play" rather than do the smart thing and zing the ball out of bounds when no one is open.

Preposterous Punt Avoided

Facing fourth-and-5 on the Miami 33, Buffalo didn't punt! The Bills went for it and converted, and though they missed a field-goal attempt three plays later, this rare show of fortitude caused the football gods to smile on Buffalo on the day.

Game Being Played in TMQ's Nightmares

Cincinnati in its new road uniforms versus Buffalo in its monochrome of all 19th Century Rusting Russian Dreadnaught Aft Bulkhead Cyanic.

Hidden Indicator

As noted by reader Curtis Ruder of San Antonio, Texas, in the Kansas City-Jacksonville game, the time of possession was exactly 30:00 for both teams; both teams recorded 19 first downs, launched five punts and drew five penalties. This is the kind of hidden indicator that is essential to an insider's understanding of the game. Unfortunately, Ruder reports, "I have no idea what it means."

Cheerleaders in the News

A change of profession in line for Panthers cheelerleader Gia?

Running Items Department

Obscure College Score of the Week

Angelo State 21, Northeastern State 16. Located in San Antonio, Texas, Angelo State is "committed to offering you the best possible education at the best possible price." Few colleges compete on price -- you're supposed to bargain, bargain, bargain to save 10 bucks on airfare but meekly hand over $30,000 per year to admissions officers. Angelo State offers Texas residents a semester for less than $5,000, including just $32 for your parking pass.

Bonus Obscure College Score

MacMurray 35, Greenville 7. Located in Jacksonville, Ill., MacMurray offers scholarships in highland dancing. "Scottish culture is a distinctive element of the history of the College," MacMurray says, "an element that provides for unique opportunities for MacMurray to celebrate its Scottish traditions and distinguish itself from other private liberal-arts colleges." Bagpipers perform at many college events.

Bad Sportsmanship Watch

Mount Union, the Death Star of Division III, won its 100th consecutive regular-season game, defeating Marietta 57-0. Mount Union hasn't lost in the regular season since October 1994. But as Tuesday Morning Quarterback pointed out last season, the Raiders coaches are poor sports, repeatedly running up the score on undermanned opponents. Saturday, Mount Union threw five times in the fourth quarter, frantically trying to run up the score, though the fourth quarter began with Mount Union ahead 50-0. Small-college programs are supposed to teach sportsmanship and values, not bully behavior. Increasingly, TMQ thinks this is becoming a problem for football -- too much emphasis on humiliating opponents, loss of concern for sportsmanlike values.

Cover-Your-Eyes College Score

Bloomsburg 69, Cheyney 0. Cheyney has been outscored 407-45. Cheyney coach Lee Brown's postgame speech: "Well, boys, you looked good in warmups."

College Blitz Bonus

Last year, West Virginia appeared to have Miami beaten -- the Hurricanes trailed with seconds remaining and faced fourth-and-13. West Virginia saved them by calling an all-out blitz, Hurricane conversion and winning field goal on the final play. Last week, Louisville appeared to have Miami beaten -- the Hurricanes trailed by four with two minutes remaining and faced third-and-10. Louisville saved them by calling an all-out blitz, Hurricane conversion and winning touchdown with seconds to play. Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! applies at the college level, too.

Reader Animadversion

Got a comment or a deeply felt grievance? Register it at TMQNFL@yahoo.com. Include your name and hometown, and I may quote from your email and cite your name and hometown unless you instruct me otherwise. In the continuing debate over what to call the moment when the game ends -- TMQ has progressed from "double zeros" to "multiple zeros" to "all zeds" -- Bruce Clift points out that "zed" means the letter Z, not zero. He proposes "all naughts." In haiku,

All-zeds cannot be:
Naught is zero, zed is zee.
"All-naughts" did mean ye.
-- Bruce Clift, Scotts Valley, Calif.

On my item on the disclaimer for the puppet movie Team America, Anna Norcross notes producers cut a puppet-sex scene to prevent the flick from being rated NC-17. Norcross haikuizes,

Wooden puppet sex?
No. Too realistic -- too
like real Boomer sex.
-- Anna Norcross, Erie, Colo.

On my contention that Dennis Franz set some kind of record by playing both a bad guy and a good guy in different seasons of the old Hill Street Blues, Michael Bradley of Broomall, Pa., says at least one actor got there first: "Al Harrington, who later played Ben Kokua, a good guy, on Hawaii Five-O, appeared several times on the show as a criminal during the first seasons." Franz note: It always bothered me that he got to speak the closing line of the Hill Street Blues series finale. This distinction should have been accorded one of the original cast members.

Apropos TMQ's item on the death of deconstructionist Jacques Derrida, Kevin Pugh, an assistant professor of educational psychology at the University of Toledo, imagines this postmodern football encounter:

Coach: How could you throw that crazy pass? Didn't you see the safety?

Quarterback: I did see the safety, but then I thought, how do I know the safety really exists? My eyes perceive a safety and he seems to be covering the receiver, but this might only be from my frame of reference. Someone in the stands might perceive the safety to be covering another receiver, or no one at all. Who am I to say that my perception is correct and theirs is wrong? Then I thought, maybe the safety does exist! But the taboo against throwing into double coverage is just an oppressive ideology used by the dominant hegemony to maintain the imperialist power structure. So you see, I had to make the throw in order to liberate myself.

Karen Brown-Wheeler of Belmont, Calif., further noted, "Derrida's death and the French public's mourning for Sartre reminded me of Adam Gopnick's observation in his wonderful book of essays on living in France, Paris to the Moon, that while American journalists employ fact-checkers, to the bafflement and suspicion of French interview subjects, if the French had a similar position it would be a theory checker, for the French tend to valorize theory above facts."

After watching Julius Peppers of Carolina gasping for air by the end of his near-touchdown 101-yard interception return at Denver, TMQ asked who might know the exact difference in concentration of oxygen at sea level versus at the 50-yard-line of the Broncos field. A truly spooky number of readers knew, and the first thing they knew was that the determining factor is atmospheric pressure, not O2 concentration. The oxygen fraction of the air is the same, about 21 percent, in both places -- but owing to lower atmospheric pressure in Denver, there is simply less air, including less of all the gases in air (nitrogen, oxygen, carbon dioxide) and thus less O2 for us mammals. Jim Gustafson, a former Colorado resident who now lives just barely above sea level in Manhattan Beach, Calif., notes, "Since Invesco Field is 5,280 feet above sea level, that means that the barometric pressure is 625 mm Hg versus 760 mm Hg at sea level. This leaves only 81 percent of the oxygen molecules per volume of air at the 50 yard line in Denver as at sea level." A reader haikuized,

Peppers sucking wind?
It's the pressure difference --
O2 level same.
-- Ravi Shah, Raleigh, N.C.

Pedro Muiño, an associate professor of chemistry at St. Francis University in Loretto, Pa., adds more detail: "Let's factor in that atmospheric pressure can oscillate due to weather conditions by as much as three percent above or below the mean, and we can conclude that oxygen at the 50-yard-line of the Broncos field can be between 13 percent and 19 percent lower than at sea level. Of course, that home-field advantage is nothing compared to the one enjoyed by the Bolivian National Fútbol (I mean, soccer) Team. These guys play home games at La Paz, altitude 13,000 feet. There, atmospheric pressure is 40 percent below sea level. I was once at 13,000 feet in the mountains of Colorado, and just walking made me tired." Muiño offers this formula for oxygen availability, and suggests quoting it to impress cheer-babes: "The barometric formula is P = Po x e^(-mgh/RT), where Po is the pressure at sea level in any units you want, m is the average mass of 1 mole of air (you must use the value 0.029 kg), g is the acceleration due to gravity (9.81 m/s2), h is the altitude (must be given in meters), R is the gas constant (8.3145 J/mol K), T is the mean temperature of the air (in Kelvin, 50 F is 283 K), and e^ is the exponential function or the inverse function of the natural log."

How does all this impact the lungs? Dr. Thomas Hauser, director of Nuclear Cardiology at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, writes, "What really matters is the partial pressure of oxygen in the alveoli. At sea level, partial pressure of oxygen in the lungs is about 100 'torr,' or millimeters of mercury displaced. At 100 torr, blood hemoglobin carries about 98 percent of the maximal possible oxygen load, often referred to as an oxygen saturation of 98 percent. In Denver, the partial pressure of oxygen is about 75 torr, and oxygen saturation is about 95 percent. So even though there may be a 19 percent reduction in the available oxygen, there is only a three percent drop in actual oxygen delivery to the body. But as any athlete can tell you, that three percent can make a big difference in peak performance. The body notices and increases the amount of hemoglobin in the blood over time so that total oxygen delivery gradually normalizes. That is why endurance athletes often train at altitude, to increase hemoglobin." He sums in haiku,

Mile High Stadium:
Three percent less oxygen,
foes wilt in the fourth.
-- Thomas Hauser, Boston, Mass.

Curtis Seaman of Fort Collins, Colo., where TMQ's Colorado College classmate, Ken Salazar, is running for the United States Senate against beer gent Pete Coors -- notes that after the Packers allowed Philadelphia to convert its fateful fourth-and-26 last January in the playoffs, Green Bay fired defensive coordinator Ed Donatell, though his troops had mainly performed well in 2003. Since Donatell was cashiered, the Packers' defensive performance has been awful except Sunday against hapless Detroit -- the team 2-4 and a week ago surrendering the most-ever points at Lambeau. Beer gent note: During his recent Meet the Press debate with Salazar, Coors declared that Americans " should be more worried today, actually, about Iran and North Dakota ". This statement could certainly get Coors elected in South Dakota! The beer gent meant North Korea. Here's a good profile of Salazar, who grew up poor on a Colorado ranch with no running water and is well on his way to becoming one of the most important people in the American West.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback continues to complain that Pittsburg of Kansas, my second-favorite obscure college, has shown poor sportsmanship by repeatedly passing in the fourth quarter when holding huge leads. On Saturday, Pitt State beat Missouri Southern 59-7. The Gorillas once again showed poor sportsmanship by frantically trying to run up the score, passing on three consecutive plays in the fourth quarter despite a 52-7 advantage. Brian Jackson of Marietta, Ga., points out that in the Gorillas' 70-14 defeat of Washburn, Pittsburg of Kansas averaged more yards per rush than per pass. "Obviously they were trying to hold the score down by passing," Jackson writes. Last week's item on spooky Air Force research into antimatter bombs said such devices might cause huge blasts but "no radiation." Maybe not the nuclear-fallout kind, but Eli Rykoff, a grad student in physics at the University of Michigan, notes that a matter-antimatter reaction would generate strong gamma rays. Gamma rays are deadly "unless you are lucky enough to turn into the Incredible Hulk," he notes. Rykoff offers this season's first gamma-ray haiku:

"No radiation"
from antimatter -- except
gamma rays, which kill.
-Eli Rykoff, Ann Arbor, Mich.

Last week's column noted that high-school guys might consider Lake Forest College because its student body is 57 percent female. William Brownlee of Tampa reports that his alma mater, the University of South Florida, is 60 percent female and owing to its considerable size, currently enrolls a whopping 7,868 more women than men. "USF is the place high-school guys would want to consider," Brownlee posits.

Last Week's Challenge

In keeping with last week's item on the "Golden Age of Cussing," the Challenge was to propose either invented or historical expletives that could appear on a family web site like NFL.com.

Nate Ellefson of Shoreview, Minn., suggested "gummit," short for "dadgummit," which Apollo 15 astronaut Dave Scott exclaimed when a mechanism jammed on the surface of the Moon. Here's the transcript.

Erika Pflederer of Chicago says she uses, "Shoot a pig!" Britt Wilson of Calgary, Alberta, reports that in small-town Saskatchewan, a common expletive is "Hokey Dinah!" Roy Felipe of Columbia, Md., suggests "Holy Frijoles!" He notes, "This polishes your Spanish and reminds us to eat more fiber." Peter Mitchell of Havertown, Pa., a previous Challenge winner, suggested "balderdash!" Erik Wolfe suggested "gadzooks!"

In the cartoon category, Andy Schulkind of Portland, Maine, suggested "Great Caesar's ghost!" Perry White, Clark Kent's boss at the Daily Planet, was given to his exclamation. Joe Gannon suggests "oh my stars and garters," often spoken by Beast, one of the X Men. Dave Bigge of New York City suggested "Heavens to Murgatroyd," often spoken by Snagglepuss.

Christine Karnisky of Rochester, N.Y., was among many who proposed "great googlie mooglie," what the groundskeeper exclaims in the Snickers commercial upon realizing he has laboriously painted the word CHEFS in the Kansas City Chiefs end zone. Troy Baumann of Madison, Wis., suggested "Yipes stripes!" This immediately caused me to hear the old Fruit Stripes gum jingle in my head -- gadzooks, does that date me or what?

Elissa Gontero, a Pittsburgh fan who works at the Lancaster Literary Guild, reports that she sometimes exclaim to herself "Holy Mother of Pearl!" She adds, "The language definitely gets a bit saltier when I'm watching the Steelers play." Dave Shapiro of Milwaukee noted that TMQ's favorite exclamation, ye gods, dates at least as far back as Shakespeare. "Ye gods, it doth amaze me:" Cassius, Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene 2.

Then there were expletives related to football players or terms. Khalil Miller of Hyattsville, Md., suggested Vince Lombardi's favorite exclamation, "For the love of Pete!" Tammy Hepps of New York City, a Philadelphia Nesharim fan, suggested "gbaja," as in "Gbaja, that's gotta hurt!" (Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila is a player for the Packers.) Will Grapperhaus of Louisville, Ky., a Rams fan, suggested "martz," to be exclaimed of strange or unwelcome behavior. As in, "What the martz?" Grapperhaus says, "How I long for the days when my team's coach simply cried." Bill Cranor of Austin, Texas, also suggested "martz!" This expletive reminds TMQ of "quatz!" That's what the living super-computer exclaimed when frustrated in the Dan Simmons "Hyperion" sci-fi novels.

Andrew Dobson suggested, "Good griese!" Scotty Williams suggested "leapin' Leon Lett!" Brian Davis of Memphis, Tenn., suggested "by Dan Fouts' beard!" An anonymous reader suggested "favre" for the inexplicable, as in Brett Favre throwing into double coverage, as in "You picked the Dolphins to win the Super Bowl -- what the favre were you thinking?"

J. D. Harriman of Los Angeles writes, "In my family we always substitute the phrase 'bad word' in place of a curse word. As in, 'Oh, bad word!' It worked pretty well until I overheard my daughter say, 'Bad word you, you bad word bad word.'"

This week's Challenge winner is Will Grapperhaus, by a coin flip over Bill Cranor, for "martz!" Last week, one of my kids came down with strep throat and I found myself muttering, "Aw, martz." The real-world Martz wore a heavy jacket indoors at the Edward Jones Dome on Monday night, causing TMQ to exclaim, "What the martz?" In keeping with this year's Challenge policy, his prize is a sentence of shameless praise. Grapperhaus works for Unique Management, a company that helps libraries recover fees on long-overdue books. So here is his shameless praise: "Better hustle that copy of The Brothers Karamozov back to the library quick. Will Grapperhaus will not rest when there is a book overdue."

This Week's Challenge

Predict the weather inside a domed stadium. Use the link at Reader Animadversion.

Next Week

Please don't tell me I have to write anything about New England's 21-game winning streak.